Daily Ramble 5 - JEWISH JOKES

March 24, 2020

JEWISH JOKES

A collection of Jewish material vaguely applicable to dealing with a crisis.
Taken from A Treasury of Jewish Folklore by Nathan Ausbel
(Condensed to their essence with some explanatory interpolations.)

1. Panic sweeps through the shtetl (Jewish village) as news comes of an impending pogrom.
Only the Rabbi seems calm. When asked why, he says "It's simple; the worrying that takes
other people a whole day, I do in an hour."

2. Panic sweeps through the shtetl as news comes that a Gentile child has been found murdered
in the fields. (raising fears of an attack) Later, someone comes running shouting,
"Good news! It was a Jewish child!"

3. Yiddish saying: "If only God would help until God helps."

4. Two Czarist policeman are content to let a Jew drown in the river until he shouts
"Down with the Czar!" and they have to jump in to arrest him.

5. An elderly Jewish man faints and is rushed to the nearest hospital. (in the days before the Corona virus) A nurse tucks him into bed and says, “Mr. Schwartzman, are you comfortable?” Schwartzman replies, “I make a living.”

6. A traveling jew is begrudgingly allowed to sleep on a bench in an inn and told there is no food for him. He says in a loud and menacing voice, "If I don't get food I WILL HAVE TO DO WHAT MY FATHER DID!" Whereupon the frightened innkeeper serves him a meal. In the morning, as the jew is leaving, the innkeeper asks what it was his father did. The jew replies, "He went to sleep without supper."

Finally, just for the enjoyable absurdity of it, a traveling jew is told he can have a bed in a packed hotel if he sneaks into the second bed in a room where a Polish general is already sleeping and if he leaves before dawn. He agrees and dresses in the dark when he is woken at the time to leave. He is surprised at the respect he is given as he walks to the train station with people stepping out of his way on the sidewalk etc. thinking, "Is it possible they know I slept in the same room as a general?" Finally, in his compartment on the train he looks at the reflection in the window and sees he is in the uniform of a Polish general. He thinks, "Those fools in the hotel. They woke the General instead of me!"

END